Wednesday, August 3, 2016

How I lost the weight!

I'm asked often how I've been able to shed the kilos, there's soo much I need to tell people about my so far journey, from going from 110 kilos to 70 kilos.

Firstly, this has been a long journey. Three years of a bit of yo-yoing, two babies, two years of breastfeeding. But the last five months I've been more serious about it than ever, and average about a kilo a week.

It's been no special diet, no crazy gym time, no calorie counting.

I was what I ate!
What I indulged in once a week, slowly became every night. The worse I felt in life, the more dessert I indulged in. And I mean INDULGED!!!! Usually I would have around 1,000- 1,500 grams of sugar A NIGHT! Yup. That's about 6 cups of sugar. I was definitely trying to fill a gap, instead I was filling out every single gap in my clothes. But fuck it I thought... Who cares! I obviously didn't care. I was sad. I was hurt. Ice cream literally became my friend. Not even gestational diabetes scared me into eating better. In fact I went on a "eat all the foods" binge.
I would work at night on my computer with a tub of ice cream. Chocolate, my goodness.. Chocolate was my ecstasy.  It was literally an addiction, and was so much harder to give up than cigarettes ever has been.

After being seperated I began such an incredible journey of self discovery. I'm still in the midst of it, but I learned to start doing things for ME and not everyone else. This was the first mindset that helped me change my eating patterns. Once I started loving myself, I didn't see loosing weight as a punishment.
 I realized just how much crap I was putting into my body. I slowly cut it all out, swapping things, finding healthier options. It all became so much easier when it went from "I can't have that" to "I don't want that". Desserts I never crave.. Unless I'm PMSing. Chocolate waterfalls no longer look appealing and the sight of cream makes me feel sick. It's so much easier after all the cravings left.

I also started eating only when I was hungry.. No comfort eating, and portion controlling so I would learn to stop when I was full. As simple as it sounds, it's actually pretty hard to not eat in routine, but listening to your body!

I'm not going to lie, the weight just started falling off at this point. All it took was healthier eating. Well, you can understand why when I was eating like a kid in a candy store!

My first goal was to be 79 kilo by the time I went to Singapore in May. And I made it!! It was so great to get to a goal. I felt incredible. I felt happier. And that inspired me to keep it up!

I got back from Singapore and started working out, doing some 30 day about challenges. I would work out every night plus started pole dancing once a week. I've just hit my next goal.. 70 kilo!

I've actually hit a bit of a rutt and need to get back into working out more, but still continue to pole dance once a week and go for walks, eat healthier and make better choices. I hope to lose another 10 kilo, but I feel so confident with where I am.

I still think I'm that bigger girl, in fact every time I buy clothes I still buy the bigger size. It's not until I look in the mirror I remember.. It's strange, and I'm sure something that'll change in time. But I am so thankful to myself that I made the decision to be healthier!

-Harley xx

Saturday, July 30, 2016

My nights as a sleep deprivation science experiment.

6pm I lay the kids in bed, by 6.15 they're asleep. I feel a small victory here, because seriously, what other Mum puts their kids to bed half way through the day. Me! I get asked often about the early bedtime. Well, I'll tell you exactly why... These are my nights in a nutshell;

They're bound to stay asleep until I tiptoe into bed, after cleaning their cyclone mess they've left all over the floor. Instantly I feel like I'm in some sort of science experiment testing how many times someone can get up and out of bed running on extreme exhaustion. Like I'm being tested to see if sleep really is a crucial part of living.

Three times in half an hour slowly building up to every 45 minutes.. Until that finally dies down and another kid jumps in your bed. The words "go back to your bed" are just useless but worth a shot anyway. You manage to grab a quick nap before being kicked off your own bed while the other kid jumps in. Suddenly at 11pm everyone's thirsty! REALLY! And what the fuck is in water at night?? Red cordial?! Suddenly the kids are up playing and jumping all over me.
Tough mumma comes out (okay, not tough... Insanely overtired sleep deprived barely functional mumma!). And everyone gets sent back to their bed.
Snuggle into my nice warm bed, ALL TO MYSELF and finally start to dwift off, and only when I just hit light sleep I'm woken with a "MUUUUM I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET" of course you fucking do!
Up I get, switch all the lights on so Mr can go which only wakes Missy up. Right at this exact point you feel like mimmicing one of her sassy head butting stomping tantrums. Come ooooon SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!
Mr goes back to bed, lights off... Did you flush the toilet? Oh no, I need to do that mummy...
Comes back..
Lights off.... Did you wash your hands? Oh no Mummy, I'll do that now.
Did you even do a wee???
'I didn't need to anymore.' *face palm.

He's lucky it's dark.. I'm pretty sure I gave him the look of death. Or maybe that's just my face now, I look like some sort of pale skin, dark eyed zombie!

Miss one needs to be pattered back to sleep for half an hour..  And don't you even think about dwifting off to sleep because as soon as you stop your patting rhythm that girl will jump straight up and be more awake than she's ever been in her life!

I'm huuunnnngrrrry. No! It's 3 fucking am. You're sleep hungry, go to sleep!

My bed take 10. And suddenly I'm worrying about EVERY SINGLE thing in my entire life. Heeeelllo mistake #853478 when I was 18 years old, you've come back to haunt me..cheers!
I lay awake all night wondering about all the ifs, buts and maybes until I check the time and start the whole math mum sleep calculation thing 'if I go to sleep now I'll get at least three hours sleep' .

Of course that's the morning the kids wake at 5... And then wonder why the hell mum is cross between PMS on steroids and possessed.. Only to check Facebook to see all the childless humans ranting about how tired they are. Ha!

Kids. Your mum has been killed by sleep deprivation. The worst kind of torture. She's turned into some sort of red eyed mumster. You're welcome.

-Harley xx

Sunday, July 24, 2016

When did you grow?

When did you grow?
I seem to have missed it.
A week rolled into months that rolled into years and all of a sudden I'm enrolling you for school!

As I watch you paint on your easel I'm reminded of just how much your incredible little human self is learning.
Painting people and faces, and gardens and trucks, moving onto the next game like a gypsy, like your entire world is imaginary.

You have taught me so much about your beautiful life, just as much as I have taught you.
You get so excited telling me all about recent things you have learned. And I do back because I know I've taught you.

Sometimes I wish I could just pause time. Days like today, when the day is peaceful and calm and fun. When we're cutting sandwiches into elephants and cars. When we're going for walks by the river. These days. Because in a few short months you're off to school.

I will no longer be the only one teaching your mind. I will no longer be the only person you need to learn from. You will no longer be a little boy who's too young for school. You will be my school child.

We have had the best (almost) four years at home. We have built such a strong bond. We have a box full of crafts, albums full of memories and a house full of love. I feel like we've accomplished so much.. I feel content with how much we've achieved... But now it's time for my little caterpillar to turn into a butterfly.

I can't wait to see how much you learn, to see you grow and to see the friends you make. But I will miss our days together SO much!

-Mummy xx

Friday, July 22, 2016

Life post the darkness.

Telling my story.

Something I've wanted to do for so long but have always held back.
Maybe it's still the voices that have been implanted in my mind "you deserved it" "you pushed my buttons" "I was tired".
Maybe that it's that I felt I was the bigger person by letting things go.
Maybe it's that I wanted to believe so hard that this wasn't my life.

Also, maybe I don't have the words to describe exactly how it was.

I also know that once it's out, there's no going back. People will realize that the way I  portrayed my perfect family was all a method of survival.

You would think that a police family violence order would be a wake up call.

You would think when I stopped feeling safe in my home was a wake up call.

You would think when I felt I couldn't even talk and walked on egg shells daily was a wake up call.

You would think the bruises were.

You would think the never ending abuse/sorry/abuse cycle was too...

Or the risky toxic situations I lived with everyday.

The thing with wake up calls, you have to be alive inside to feel them.

After years of this being my life I began to realize my worth. My inner self began to wake. My confidence began to know that this was not safe.
I was punished for that. The more I grew, the more I would be pushed down.

One day things had gone too far. When for the first time I actually truly feared for my life.

So why am I exposing this now?

The other side. After abuse.

Because I NEED people to know that life on the other side is so much better.
The weight on your shoulders no longer weigh you down. That you will feel entirely lighter, healthier and more free.

All those incredible emotions you only dreamed about feeling... You will live them intensely.

That you will find strength beyond anything you can imagine. You will be a soldier and ruler of your own life. You will realize your self worth and begin to love yourself deeply.

That even though you were taught that you deserved it, you will realize that you didn't.

That being alone isn't lonely, it's fulfilling. Even though it was stamped in your soul that you couldn't be alone, you will prove otherwise. And that will be the most satisfying thing you've done in your life.

That for the first time your smile will come naturally. Your eyes will smile. Your soul will smile. You will live in complete whole happiness.

It will be entirely and completely worth it.

I need you to know that no matter the level of abuse, it's not okay. No matter what.

I need you to know that you have a right to be happy.

I need you to know that you are worth so much more.

I want me to be living proof of what the other side is like.
I want to role model for other people in similar situations (women AND men) just how much you can accomplish with your freedom.

You were put on earth for a reason, and THIS isn't your reason.

To this day, it still continues. Mainly because of the strength of my life now has become a threat. There's many, many people that don't know the truth. In fact there's many, many people that believe the lies that are being fed.
But, I've turned into a beautiful diamond, that can no longer be broken, and my inner being is completely satisfied with just that.

-Harley xx