Monday, January 20, 2014

What my cesarean scar means to me...

I STILL pinch myself!

I still can't believe it!

I still look at Jydan and can't believe I made him!

Every time he does something new or learns a new skill it absolutely blows me away!
He's walking now, and I just can't fathom how his little brain and coordination and balance have worked that out.
He is the that tiny little peanut looking thing I saw when I was 6 weeks pregnant?

How amazing are our bodies!

I'm pretty sure if I didn't have my Cesarean scar I still wouldn't believe it all. It's really surreal. Even though he's 14 months now, I still have moments where I feel like I need to pinch myself.
That scar is a link and reminder that I was in fact the one that made him! That he did belong to my body for 9 months. Where it was just me and him while my body made everything perfect about him.
I have stretch mark scars and stretched 'I've had a baby' skin. But there's something more real about a cesarean scar. Something way more personal. That's a beautiful reminder of what I did! That I put MY body before my baby's. That I took risks so my child didn't. That I put my life and body in the hands of surgeons so my son didn't have to. That I was a mother before my child was even born.
My stomach and uterus was cut open so my baby could survive. I couldn't give birth naturally. But I could survive my stomach being cut open, my layers of muscles cut and my baby pulled out while I lost way too much blood.. but I survived that! And my baby survived! And he came out content.

My scar faded and it's not that bad anymore, and I'm probably the only one that notice's it. Which is even nicer. It's my personal reminder. Just for me. My little courage badge that will still remind me when Jydan is old, that that is where he came from.

It took me a long time to treasure my scar, or to come to the realisation that it was OKAY that I didn't get the birth I wanted, to realise cesareans can be a beautiful moment too.

Society looks at scars to be ugly, even surgeons! Surgeons always prefer to do surgery that will give the patient minimal scaring, whether it's the best option or not. Sometimes I think there motto is 'less scaring as possible'. But there's definitely beauty in a cesarean scar, it's something that a natural birth can't give you.


Savanna said...

You are BRAVE! I love this post about your courage badge!

Camille Griffiths said...

Awww, that was so beautiful! You have me tearing up over here.