Sunday, July 6, 2014

Learning to smile through nature.

I have found it so hard to paste an "everything is alright" smile lately. After hearing Robyn McGraw talk about how her foundation came about, 'When Georgia Smiled', how Georgia was her mother, who no matter what, even though she was always endlessly worrying about her children, she had this give smile that told her children that everything was going to be alright. Robyn spoke about the comfort her mother's smile gave her, especially as her father was an alcoholic. Some how I couldn't plaster this smile myself, some how my inner smile was so broken that I couldn't even fake it. But I so desperately wanted to. I didn't have the energy. I found myself trying to take a picture of myself, and I couldn't even master a smile. All my energy had gone on other things and I'm left feeling exhausted.

My marriage almost fell apart, I walked planning never to come back, but I did, then he wanted to walk. Our love was unsure and our trust, my trust, it was stripped bare. I was so angry. I had so much anger towards him I didn't know what to do with it. Obviously he had the same. Suddenly we were in this whirl pool of a marriage, pulling each other down. Everything was out of control at this point, we were both too scared to even speak. Until, something so insignificant was done, but it made our whole love crash and burn and start again. Things had to get worse before they got better. We had to go through hell before we found each other again. We are better for it, and we will continue to get better, but the pain is still raw.

Then we have my son, my beautiful boy, who needs so much care. I find caring for him the easy part, but it's all the behind the scenes work that's involved. The appointments, all the sensory issues, making sure I have them worked out and catered for. Explaining everything to other people seems so much, it's just easier if I take it all on board 24/7. Literally, sometimes it's twenty four hours a day. Since things have become better with my husband, he has become more aware of our sons sensory issues.

Our new house has been a huge stress, we have no idea what's going on with it, or when we're moving. It seems every corner there has been a brick wall. We are trying incredibly hard to sort things out, but end up just chasing ourselves. Hopefully this will be sorted in the next couple of weeks, but for now, it's just something else weighing heavily on my shoulders.

After my mums group (MOPS) spoke last week about being thankful and finding the beauty in our beautiful mess, I really couldn't. My life was a mess. Nothing beautiful about it. My head was a mess. My marriage was a mess. My house was a mess. Our finances were a mess. Our car was a mess.. I could not find one beauty! OF COURSE there's my son, that's a given, but what about ME, besides the mummy!

Two days later, we left to get away for a couple of days, in our old falling apart car, we set off. Still thinking about my mums group and trying so hard to find a beauty. I wasn't avoiding it, I was honestly trying. Looking out the window, this is what I saw. I took my phone out and started taking photos. First of to instagram that we were road tripping, but then something happened. All of a sudden I kept finding these beautiful things, these beautiful moments, I was capturing these beautiful moments, I was seeing them with my own eyes! I kept finding these beautiful things to capture. I live in an absolutely beautiful state. I'm really not one for scenery, but in this moment of time I really needed this. I saw the beauty. And each time I found something, my smile grew. I was so calm, content, amazed and in love with nature. Nature gave me this breathe of calmness.

Everything was still there. Every mess was still there. But somehow every time I took a photo I found this serenity. Every time I searched for something, the grass looked greener, the hills looked perkier, the air felt fresher. Nature is so kind to my state, Tasmania. Nature can be such a simply beautiful thing. Somehow my shoulders felt that little lighter and my headache started to fade.

It was exactly what I needed this point in my life, something so minor to remind me how beautiful everything around us can really be!!


Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, Harley. x

Laura Huggins said...

A lovely lovely post and very brave writing it! I hope you continue to find peace with the amazing photos you take.

Thank you for linking up with the #WeekendBlogHop

Laura x x x