Saturday, July 30, 2016

My nights as a sleep deprivation science experiment.

6pm I lay the kids in bed, by 6.15 they're asleep. I feel a small victory here, because seriously, what other Mum puts their kids to bed half way through the day. Me! I get asked often about the early bedtime. Well, I'll tell you exactly why... These are my nights in a nutshell;

They're bound to stay asleep until I tiptoe into bed, after cleaning their cyclone mess they've left all over the floor. Instantly I feel like I'm in some sort of science experiment testing how many times someone can get up and out of bed running on extreme exhaustion. Like I'm being tested to see if sleep really is a crucial part of living.

Three times in half an hour slowly building up to every 45 minutes.. Until that finally dies down and another kid jumps in your bed. The words "go back to your bed" are just useless but worth a shot anyway. You manage to grab a quick nap before being kicked off your own bed while the other kid jumps in. Suddenly at 11pm everyone's thirsty! REALLY! And what the fuck is in water at night?? Red cordial?! Suddenly the kids are up playing and jumping all over me.
Tough mumma comes out (okay, not tough... Insanely overtired sleep deprived barely functional mumma!). And everyone gets sent back to their bed.
Snuggle into my nice warm bed, ALL TO MYSELF and finally start to dwift off, and only when I just hit light sleep I'm woken with a "MUUUUM I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET" of course you fucking do!
Up I get, switch all the lights on so Mr can go which only wakes Missy up. Right at this exact point you feel like mimmicing one of her sassy head butting stomping tantrums. Come ooooon SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!
Mr goes back to bed, lights off... Did you flush the toilet? Oh no, I need to do that mummy...
Comes back..
Lights off.... Did you wash your hands? Oh no Mummy, I'll do that now.
Did you even do a wee???
'I didn't need to anymore.' *face palm.

He's lucky it's dark.. I'm pretty sure I gave him the look of death. Or maybe that's just my face now, I look like some sort of pale skin, dark eyed zombie!

Miss one needs to be pattered back to sleep for half an hour..  And don't you even think about dwifting off to sleep because as soon as you stop your patting rhythm that girl will jump straight up and be more awake than she's ever been in her life!

I'm huuunnnngrrrry. No! It's 3 fucking am. You're sleep hungry, go to sleep!

My bed take 10. And suddenly I'm worrying about EVERY SINGLE thing in my entire life. Heeeelllo mistake #853478 when I was 18 years old, you've come back to haunt me..cheers!
I lay awake all night wondering about all the ifs, buts and maybes until I check the time and start the whole math mum sleep calculation thing 'if I go to sleep now I'll get at least three hours sleep' .

Of course that's the morning the kids wake at 5... And then wonder why the hell mum is cross between PMS on steroids and possessed.. Only to check Facebook to see all the childless humans ranting about how tired they are. Ha!

Kids. Your mum has been killed by sleep deprivation. The worst kind of torture. She's turned into some sort of red eyed mumster. You're welcome.

-Harley xx

1 comment:

Destiny said...

I may not be a mom, but I can definitely relate after seeing the exact scenario happen in my household of 3 younger siblings!